Aaron Evans

OUR LORD JESUS DELIVERS HIS REDEEMED FROM THE BONDAGE OF PORNOGRAPHY

I have struggled with pornography and masturbation my entire life. I am a survivor, but it is not because of my strength or any one thing that I have done. I have found the most freedom from these vices through the truths that I have learned this last year from God.

God has been answering my prayers that I prayed for 16 years since I was saved: "Please help me to overcome my addiction to pornography and masturbation!" I have no grand visions to share with you, just simple truths that broke through these addictions and set me free.

For as far back as I can remember I have been a slave to sexual impurity. I never knew why, the only 'truth' I could see what that I had no control. Something was broken in me at an early age. I have no shocking story of sexual abuse or any kind of abuse, except perhaps neglect, and even then I had enough to eat, I had shelter, and I even had friends. What caused me to feel that I needed pornography whenever I saw it? What caused me to get an empty longing to get it no matter what shame or embarrassment I would suffer? What was this driving force that led me to search my roommate's drawers, closets, and personal storage spaces to find any pornography when they were out? When you consider the scope of these questions you will soon agree with me that this is a hefty subject to explore within the 'confines' of an email, so I will be as brief as I can.

I have chipped away for years at this powerful addiction, first I tried to control it, tried to limit my contact, would distract myself with so many other things to try and avoid it, but I ended up desiring it so much that I would search my room, or other people's rooms for it, or if I was really desperate I would even go buy it from the store.

Next I tried to solve it, I took psychology classes, studied 'Just For Men' a Study that taught how to be free of all kinds of sexual addictions. After a year of that study, I then started my own men's group, which was more of a fellowship, but it centered around, "Our value in Christ", and how the addiction is derived from a low value of self for a myriad of causes.

Next I decided that I was going to struggle with it, and pray about it, and trust God to bring the answers. It was a dark time, my ex-wife(then wife), separated, my pornography addiction was at its peak, no one was there to catch me, no one was offended by my actions, so I felt safe. The more I pursued it the more I realized that it was vanity; it took more from me than it gave. Then when all was said and done, I felt emptier than when I started. I pursued God's words to my aching soul, I dropped all the scripted prayers for forgiveness and healing, I dropped all of my religious formulas and expectations, and I just asked God to speak to me. And then He did.

He started speaking to me while I was running. I ran three miles of open road, and this provides a good amount of time to have a conversation with God. He showed me how my flesh went somewhere safe to hide when I ran. He showed me simple analogies holding complex truth for my use. He showed me the value that I am to Him, and then the value that I am to others, whether right or wrong. I remember one time in particular in recent months God was talking to me about pornography, the conversation when something like this: God: "Pornography is like a chocolate bar." Me: "Hmmm...really? how?" God: "Does chocolate contain anything good for you?" (vitamins and minerals) Me: "Nope!" God: "Is chocolate bad for you?" Me: "Short term? Nope! Long term? empty calories, weight gain quantity? The more you eat the more unhealthy it becomes." God: "How do you avoid getting chocolate bars?" ( I hadn't had any chocolate in months) Me: "I just don't go down that isle in the supermarket "

The analogy is far reaching and as complex as you want to go, and I have often drawn more similarities off of it as I have continued to run. Mostly I share this to show how simple God explains things. His one sentence is worth a million thoughts in my head. I guess if I wrote a teaching about this analogy and referred back to it as a rule and enforced others to follow it, then it would lose its message, but instead I refer back to how lovingly and gently God taught me basic concepts. This still didn't deliver me, but it did lessen my guilt, and show me that one sin is the same as another in God's eyes and that I wasn't a 'super sinner' because I struggle with pornography, in fact, I started to feel some value, because I was fighting for myself to find the answers that I need to unlock these addictions.

The cornerstone lie was discovered when the counselor that I had been seeing, off handedly dismissed my addiction during a counseling session. I had been seeing this counselor for months, she really had helped me get my head on straight from when my ex wife (then wife) left. I was suffering from mild depression symptoms and working more hours than ever before. The session was wrapping up, when I decided to confess to her that I have suffered with pornography since adolescence. She remarked, " That is probably because you don't stand up for yourself, if you become a little more assertive with your feeling and thoughts that will probably go away." I felt a wrecking bar hit the wall of my addiction, there was a loud sickening crunch and whole was rent from the wall that I had built...to hide the shame...of who I am.

The wall I had fought so hard to destroy was a wall that I erected, I didn't want people to hear me or see who I truly was because I 'knew' that I was flawed, I was a second class citizen, I was damaged goods. I had created a whole other persona that revolved around faithfulness to church and organized religion. I was driven to excel at church by a desire to balance out the guilt and shame I felt for my struggle with pornography, but more deeply and importantly the lie that I was of less value than everyone else.

After the hole was created I could check out both sides of the wall, and I saw that pornography wasn't the cause of the problem it was merely a symptom. My low self worth came before my pornography addiction. So I meditated on what might have happened during my upbringing. I followed the clues left by my addiction...my attraction to women, slight disrespect towards women, pleasure of women, and such. From these clues and my own inner exploration I figured it originated from my mother. I don't count evil or blame towards her, because I believe she did the best she knew how to do. Nevertheless, the more I examined and dug the more I realized that I didn't do allot with her, I didn't feel her acceptance and approval, I feel she denied me these things because I was lazy. I discovered just in the last week that it was her that was lazy all along, that is why her 30 minute speeches on laziness didn't ever help me growing up. Instantly, when these truths hit my brain I understood why I struggle with laziness and why I struggle with approval from women. How can I rectify these issues inside myself?

I am very fond of the way that God teaches, He shows us something when we are ready to do it (whether we 'know' it or not). So, to rectify my feeling of rejection from my Mother, I reached out to her to establish a relationship now. I write to her a couple times a week, I try to call her once a week at least, we talk about her day and her feelings, and other light things. I feel that she loves me and views me as special, she always has, but I couldn't see it, because it was veiled by her earlier actions as a young insecure parent. Before I realized that I needed to make contact with her, I decided that I would give myself my own approval.

A friend at the time told me that as a friend I love her unconditionally and encourage her so much to walk with God...why don't I do that for myself? (another 1/3 of the wall crashes down) I started to think good thoughts about myself and kick out the bad.

The Bible says: We are...taking every thought captive in obedience to Jesus Christ.

II Corinthians 10: 5 Casting down arguments, and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;

For me it worked like this....My thought: I am such an Idiot for forgetting that medical appointment...STOP!!!! Am I an Idiot? No, not according to Christ did I forget the appointment? Yes Do I have too many irons in the fire? Yes, I had to remember X,Y, and Z today....(resolution of the process). SO...I made a mistake and forgot something, that doesn't make me an idiot that just means that I forgot an appointment.

In lieu of these discoveries I have felt the desire for pornography dwindle and collapse. I am pestered by moments of temptation when I am bored. Then I just get off my butt and do some more work around the house (which Is what I should be doing anyway) reference: David stays home instead of going out to battle.

II Samuel 11: 1 And it came to pass, after the year was expired, at the time when kings go forth to battle, that David sent Joab, and his servants with him, and all Israel; and they destroyed the children of Ammon, and besieged Rabbah. But David tarried still at Jerusalem. 2 And it came to pass in an evening, that David arose from off his bed, and walked upon the roof of the king's house: and from the roof he saw a woman washing herself; and the woman was very beautiful to look upon. 3 And David sent and inquired after the woman. And one said, Is not this Bath-sheba, the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite? 4 And David sent messengers, and took her; and she came in unto him, and he lay with her;

A man is not meant to be sitting bored, there is always plenty of work to do, and there is always time to relax when the work is done...but to relax before the work is boredom.

It is no accident that my issues triggered each other...my laziness lead to my boredom, my boredom lead to pornography to stimulate me, my low self worth was really the source of this cycle because I didn't set any long range goals or dreams, because I didn't think I could accomplish them anyways...which of course leads to the laziness I just mentioned. What a perfect cycle, perfect for keeping me preoccupied with myself, no good to my family, no good for God, and it took so much emotion energy to keep up.

Thank you for hanging with me on this journey. I believe this is the 3rd email I have sent on the subject of pornography, it would be interesting to see how God has brought me from a victim to an overcomer for His Holy Name.

In the Battle,
Aaron Evans